Reaping What You Sow

    Do not assume the title is anything different from what it says. You will reap what you sow and that goes for anyone and everything. Think about the things you see happen or the things you've seen people do and decisions he or she has made. That voice inside sometimes tells you its going to be hell to pay when xyz comes back around. Recalling a statement from the book "As a Man Thinketh" by James Allen, the author wrote Good thoughts bare good fruits, and Bad thoughts bare bad fruits. Or, every man is where he is in life because of his thoughts and actions. Thus, bad choices will have consequences that one must ultimately endure. With that in mind the Bible says, "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life." 

    Following several self evaluation reviews and hours of reflection, I wanted to do my best to attempt to right any wrongs within my life. This included apologizing for anything I had done to hurt someone, or at least addressing any issues I thought caused another to view my choices or actions with any form of resentment. Obviously, people are going to judge or feel a certain way about you regardless of the success or failures, but I felt it was important for me to at least clear my conscience. Freeing one's mind of any guilt will allow you to move forward in your personal growth. As far as what someone else chooses to do, or feel, that my friend is out of your control. Don't worry about it.

    People often misunderstand or are oblivious to the consequences of their actions. People will treat others badly or even judge, and look down on others as if they will never make a mistake or come across their own challenges. We have to remind ourselves that we too, do not always get it right. How you choose to treat others and the bridges burned, can isolate you to the point where there is no one left for you and your thoughts, or friendship. No one left that wants to hear your complaints, or bare your burdens. No one to lift you up in your time of need or pull you out of those dark clouds. Reaping what you sow refers to the fact that you are likely to receive the same problems that you create for other people.

Looking Back, What Have You Done?

    The other night I watched a documentary titled, "Bernie Mac, In His Own Words." It was a good story on his life, health and his success in Hollywood as an comedian, actor, husband, and father. One quote he shared from his mom was "if you don't have, learn how to do without." I thought that was a great piece of advice for a young man growing up in poverty, or with less than average. In addition, he mentioned how it felt to look back over his accomplishments and the feeling of satisfaction it brought. Bernie Mac did what he loved to do and eventually got paid for it. Ultimately, as a child he learned he wanted to make sure his mom was always happy and not crying. Bill Cosby kept her smiling, and he noticed that at a young age. Well in doing so, as far as comedy and doing what he enjoyed, throughout life he earned rewards made his family proud and provided a living. After he reached his forties, even with his illness, he made an impact on the world and experienced some of his greatest success. Bringing laughter to people around the world was his thing and he only planned on keeping his mom smiling at a young age. The point is if you can find what you're good at keep doing it and make an impact others as you go. Make sure when you leave this Earth, they remember you, and remember the things you stood for.  

    At the age of 36, I am fully aware I have plenty of life left to live and strive to achieve a thing or two. Currently, I am rereading "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill and one entry stated that most of the successful men reach some of their biggest success after the age of 40. Needless to say, I am prepping myself daily for the 40's. Looking back on my accomplishments, I don't think I have contributed much to the world yet. My biggest accomplishment is my son though. That's the best project I like working on, and seeing his development. But outside of that what have you really accomplished? Are you proud of your accomplishments, or what do you plan to accomplish?

    I've completed a couple of Degree's but still under $40,000 for an annual salary. I would like to make a bit more to be honest and will continue to learn. That's definitely on my to do list and trust me I am putting in the applications. Let's see I have... Well, I enjoyed coaching a little league basketball team some years back and training investigators to identify internal losses, but I have yet to establish how I plan to leave the world better then I found it. Everyone has an idea of what they think they should do or what they want to do, but normally we do not put any action behind it. I attempted to start a Men's Empowerment group with in my community and partner with my Pastor but the first meeting didn't have that big of a turn out. For those who did show up we were able to discuss how we grade our priorities and the importance of each to our way of life. It was very informative meeting and I prepared myself to be able to answer questions and challenge the thoughts of the participants. I decided that maybe I didn't get as many to show, as I had messages from, because of my lack of accomplishments. I figured maybe they didn't believe I was actually living and doing the things I was sharing. Of course my Pastor knew my dedication but maybe I didn't have enough of a foundation to pull others in. Therefor, I briefly discontinued the meetings. It was a learning risks of course but it was something I can still see myself doing. It gives you a good feeling when you assist another or brainstorm with like minds. 

    Recently the books I've read, challenged the balance of today's world and the doings of the Country's past. I would like to help others accordingly, or even educated them on various topics, like finances and importance of education. Not just education of grammar, or 2 plus 2, but education on your surroundings, county leaders, real-estate, self-awareness. There's no doubt that most people are a product of their own environment. Then, there's the thought that everyman is where he is in life because of his thoughts. Thus, self awareness is vital in establishing your goals and who you are and want to be. In my opinion, before one can help others, he must understand the importance of helping himself. Identify who you are then what you want to do for others, if that's a goal for you. Make sure when you leave this Earth, they remember you, and remember the things you stood for.  

    

The Interracial Couples

 

    As a person in an interracial relationship I wanted to share some of the views and experiences that these couples endure. In addition, I want the reader to reflect and share their thoughts as well. The "interracial couple" has always existed and has always been scrutinized in some shape or form. It was only a few years ago that big company's and marketing teams started running their ads with the interracial family in the forefront. With the social injustice and hate crime topics circulating around the world and into the homes of the masses, only the ones living within the interracial homes will have to mind the different opinions and views. Obviously, one will relate to the other and some will beg to differ on some topics but at the end of the day the truth is the truth and right is right and wrong is wrong, however you slice it.   

    I met my wife in 2006 and I had dated outside of my race but nothing really serious enough to have anyone meet the parents, etc... As an African American male in high-school, I kept a girlfriend or female friend. In most cases they were all African American. In my school there were no where near as many blacks as there were whites but everyone seemed to have gotten along. This was a small single-A school at the time, located in Virginia, about 15 miles outside of Richmond, Va. I recall a Valentine's day in the 7th grade where I briefly called a white girl my girl friend and I was her boyfriend. I brought her several roses and some chocolates too. Well my mom bought me some chocolates and some flowers and I took them to school to share with my new friend. She was very pretty at the time and I wasn't getting along with any of my exes so hey seemed right to me. It wasn't until another 15 years or so that she told me how the black girls had given her a hard time about receiving the flowers and being my girlfriend. Moreover in the later years the black girls she referred to recalled the situation and stated their opinion, or jealousy, about the relationship as well. I had no issues with it personally, but it was interesting to hear from both sides and how they felt. Thinking back, I could have been in the company of a lot more white girls but whose to say they weren't avoiding the negative vibes and drama from the black girls in the school. 

    These occurrences more than likely took place on both sides as well as in other schools and around the world. As kids, we were in many cases, oblivious to these behind the scene gestures and actions. Born in the 80's, and watching 90's shows, we were used to seeing Shows like "Saved by Bell", "Boy Meets World", 'Family Matters", "Full House", "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", "90210", "A Different World", "Married with Children", "Martin" etcc... Movies like "Clueless", "A Bronx Tale", "Boyz in the Hood", "Menace to Society" etc... They each had their own version of what life was and who hung out with who. There were pretty white actors and pretty black actors. Men could easily be attracted to both of the movie's or show's main characters. We never thought, as we got older, that we would only be able to choose the companion who resembled our own complexion. Or that it was frowned upon by others as opposed to saying we were only able to date within our race. I loved Kelly Kaposki and Lisa Turtle in "Saved by the Bell." Then, there was Stacey Dash in "Clueless" and "Topanga" in "Boy Meets World." I found all of them to be very attractive. At school, we made certain girls out to be the filler for the TV stars we watched at home. In my case, most of the black girls were cousins or distant relatives so that didn't leave many options.

    By the time I was 15,  my parents had already separated so we moved to the city. In the public schools in the city there weren't many whites at all. In fact, there weren't any outside of the special needs classes. I had no problem with the black girls as a light skinned African American. I say that to say this, there I developed a mental attachment to the black females, opposing anything outside of them. This was merely derived from my surroundings as I had grown up with the whites being the more prevalent race in the county. When I moved back to graduate from the county,  I still had the city mentality, so I missed a lot of the good get-togethers and old friendships, as I had unknowingly been brainwashed into believing I was "too cool" or wasn't wanted in the other crowds. This was all wrong as I had been liked by all before I moved to the city. Till this day, I'm sure some old friends found me to be a little different or distant when I came back. Now 36, with a white wife, living in 2020 in Virginia, during the Pandemic, and in the extended fight for Social Injustice, along with it being an Election year it has definitely brought up some topics on Social Media and within the household. I can't see how these conversations or Facebook videos would have missed other's houses as well. 

    Make no mistake racism is real and it's not just a black and white thing, nor is is a brown or yellow thing, and so on. Within the interracial couple's experiences you'll have family members and acquaintances that do not approve of your significant other. This is relevant at family gatherings, family members birthdays and other events. The disrespect from others is talked about within the couple's household as well. Many times it's brushed off with comments like, "they're old school" or "dont worry about it, she or he has always been like that." The fact of the matter is it's wrong and makes people uncomfortable thus, resulting in family avoiding family because of how they've made your significant other feel. Family will argue with family as well as learn the feelings of their loved ones who they've grown up with their entire life. "Why do you want to marry a white girl?," or "You couldn't find someone your dad or mom would approve of?" "You know the family is not going to approve of that colored boy, or that Indian girl, etc.." "I wouldn't tell your grandma that you're dating him yet, she's going to have a heart attack." These are the type of things people have to hear after choosing someone they want to be with. Who the hell are you to judge or question another's decision regarding who they love? These are the stigmas that need to be broken and addressed. In some cases, I've heard of families disowning a child because of them dating outside of their race. Cutting them out of family pictures and never speaking their names. In the last 15 years, I have seen a lot of interracial couples, babies and families. I've noticed many of us have similar couples as friends as well. Its like a group of interracial couples taking trips and having game nights together. I don't know whether its due to us experiencing the same things with our families or is it just because we wont have to worry about the comments and looks. I get the same bush league comments or vibes from some women just as I did in middle school. I am sure my wife has friends she grew up with who wonder why she dates a black man, and not a good ole boy with a big truck, who likes chewing "bacca." Or a white collared CEO or lawyer with an estate and 1000 shares of Capitol One stock inherited from a late relative or a PhD from Harvard. I'm referring to black and white when it comes to CEOs and graduates from Harvard. The fact of the matter is people like and love who they chose to like and love. 

     I like when the racists grandpa or grandma has to hold that colored or white baby in their arms and try not to love them. That's what breaks through the hatred that's been passed on through the generations. Recently, I've had the pleasure of reading Booker T. Washington's, "The Future of the American Negro",  Carter G. Woodson's book, "The Mis-Education of the Negro", and The Collected Works of Frederick Douglass. In all of these books a lot of the settings were in my home state Virginia. Less than 200 years ago in many cases. I learned that "Massa" had no problem stating his claim to multiple female slaves in which they would often leave out of their "Big-house", plantation homes, to fornicate with the opposite race. Many times with the wife knowing and later whipping the female slave during daily encounters throughout the years. This is not to say some of the women didn't find the opposite race attractive as well, but none the less, interracial interaction has been around for quite some time. I am an African American with Indian in me, and I possess green eyes, so I'm fully aware of the interactions in that sense too. I've also learned, my Mom's maiden name Dungee originated from the Dungeness Colony in Europe. The Taylor side more then likely worked in the fields here in Virginia and along the East Coast. I say that to say this, my mom is light as day along with her father and his grandmother was white. We have been integrated with one another since the beginning of history. Moreover humans will remain to be human and fall for temptations and act on emotions. By the way, it turns out that Indians and Caucasians make some pretty good looking babies when it comes to my Great Great Grandparents. Powhatan clan. What's your view on the interracial couples?

Surviving 2020 The Mental Pandemic

 

    What's up fans and followers!?! Missed you guys, but I am back in front of my computer and sharing some thoughts and experiences from 2020 so far. August 31, 2020, I completed my Master's in Cyber Security which was a challenge I accepted in 2018. I wanted to do something outside of my norm, plus it seems as if this is the way of future as we enter the 5G and the Cloud technology of today's world. One more goal removed from the list. With the last 6 months being about COVID-19 and it's changes to the world, we were all witnesses to marches, riots, looting, social injustices, and other violent acts while the world continues to turn. Some have lost their jobs, savings, relatives, and hundreds of thousands have even lost their lives. I was even partially furloughed for a short period of time and had to file for unemployment while still participating in my online studies. This is a challenging time for everyone around the globe none the less people are still finding a way to survive. 

    With the news giving us bits and pieces of what they want us to see we must still believe in ourselves and humanity as we remain firm on our pursuit of happiness. Everyone wont share the same goals or same beliefs and that's okay. We shouldn't judge one another as we all have to find our paths, regardless of our previous journey. As a citizen who has been able to vote for 18 years now, I am beginning to understand the strategies of political parties during election years but not quite sure if the goals of the parties. The media has a stronghold on the minds of the uneducated and has the ability to bend the ear or draw the eyes of the weary or bored patron who really has no interest for media and politics. Social media on the other hand, exploits the sensitivity of topics and it's algorithms capitalizes on your strengths and weaknesses, which can cause pain and suffering of the mind or even blacken the hearts of the good. Discussions about our surroundings and happenings continue at work or at social gatherings among friends and family. Some even altering the atmosphere with in the job or vibe of the conversation. Thus, causing anger towards one another due to a lack of each other empathizing with one another. The world is already hurting enough try not not to spread the negativity as you go about your day.   

    Anyway, as the school year ended for me I was able to obtain a new position within in the company where I am currently employed. This position allows me to be home before dinner now and no more missing my son's away basketball games or family events. I have enjoyed eating breakfast at breakfast time, lunch at lunch time, and dinner at, well you get the picture. Now, with the 20 or so hours freed up from my usual schedule I am searching for a new challenge or new source of additional income. I enjoy the free time but I am fully aware of the time that has been restored to my life which could lead to the learning of a trade, or new practice to increase knowledge and wealth. A lot the evening is spent with training my son's mind and getting him to see the world for what it is and not what it appears to be on Facebook and Instagram. 

    My belief is that if I can get him to think like a 25 year-old at 16, then once he becomes a 21 year-old he will understand what it is to be 30 and own his own house, car, savings account, financial investments, and assets. It's evident that schools are now rushing kids through the grades as well as in may states teaching the same things that have been taught for the past 30 or 40 years. Many of those lessons are irrelevant in the new technical world. What is he to learn about saving money or how to conduct himself in a job interview? Practicing good computing ethics and morals, along with building character is necessary. Understanding how to lose or how to fail, or lifting the next man up while he's down. Charitable causes and understanding that you have to be twice as good as others to be recognized for a position in some cases. Or, understanding that your own family may not have your best interests, not because they don't want you to win in life, but because maybe no one showed them how to win, live, save money, etc... 

    If it's one thing I've learned this year, it is the fact that people who check on you, love you, and they do it out of love. When we were quarantined people reached out to those they cared about. They checked on them asked about their family and if they had enough to eat or needed supplies. I'm not in the business of impressing no one or living up to someone's standard. I want to grow in order to help others grow. I strategically plan and assess the things I want out of life and what will benefit those close to me. There's no dollar amount for mental stability and genuine love. Thus, you have to love who you are and what you do. The media will have you believe everything is falling apart but the reality is if you're not listening to the media or absorbing the fictitious content, your life is going the way you want it to go. In other words, you are in control of your actions and thoughts. 

2019 Thoughts

We often find ourselves moving accordingly, in the shadows, as we wait for a glimpse of the light. Steadily protecting ourselves as we move towards goals and fill the mind with aspirations of standing out amongst the many. Others may see things differently and they can, because that’s what makes us different. Who’s to say right is right or wrong is different from right? A choice, is a simple as Door #1, or Door #2. Even #3 or 4, a choice is a choice. Right? Just remember to love yourself in life. To be honest, you only have 1 time to die, so make the best of the many days you live. Choose your plan, evaluate your plan and execute. If you fail try again, hell, try something new if you want!! Don’t be afraid to live and always enjoy proving the doubters wrong!!

-FLOETSPEAR

The Person You Can't Tell No

THE PERSON YOU CAN’T TELL NO

Well hello fellow reader. As I figured, you’d dive into this hotbed of conspiracy and curiosity. This title has a lot hidden in its message doesn’t it…? Shall we continue? Everyone has one right? Yes, of course I am speaking of that person you can not tell no. Even if you’re seeing someone, serious with someone, married etc... There’s that one that you would have a bit of trouble saying no to huh? Yea, I thought you’d have someone in mind by now. Some of us even have more than one, but let’s just keep it simple for the sake of our own guilt, if there is any.

It’s no lie, humans are special creatures who experience temptations, emotional gratification, sensations that are intriguing or ignited by desires and past experiences. That’s it right there isn’t it? That past experience because to be honest why cant you say no to them? What is it about them? Was it the conversations, the time spent, the trials and tribulations, the sex? Sometimes just a simple fragrance or song maybe? Be honest think about it? Who is that person you couldn’t say no to right now. If they said they wanted to see you this weekend? Whether it was good or bad, or even if you knew you could or shouldn’t. Some live right there on the edge of that thrill hill. Some disregard it and eat the regret in the latter part of life. I wonder what happens when they know you cant say no or better yet they can’t say no either?

We often hear, there should be no regrets in life, don’t waste time, enjoy every moment, you only get one shot at life. What about right and wrong? What about following your heart? Does the heart even need to play a role if everything things comes naturally or even seems normal? The reality is we create our own realities. Social media can allow people who have been distant or irrelevant in our day to day activities, become a prevalent threat to your new life and even family. Someone you thought you’d never see again or who was committed to someone else becomes single and ready to mingle. Perhaps you end up single as well. Are the strong any different from the weak and vice versa?

Trust this has nothing to do with the grass on the other side. This involves something a bit deeper. Almost inexplicable, if you will. These are bonds that have been developed and strengthened for years even when each of you have been far apart. Keep in mind,we control the pen in our life’s story,  just as the mind does the body. Our thoughts lead to our actions and desires interfere with harsh realities. The sad truth is most actions were already thought out or dreamed of even. A false sense of a 2nd chance or an unwritten rule that places desired choices above the guaranteed consequences. This is no place for faith because all rules are barred when it comes to this uncontrollable submission. Most even like it and the thought of it. Are you alive in that truth? Does the truth set you free?

What is it that makes you not be able to say no? This is a question for you not me.

-Floetspear
2019

Feeding off of Pain to Adapt to Life

     The thought of this title comes from a question my wife asked me last week. The question was, "why do you keep watching Sons of Anarchy every time it comes on TV when you've seen it so many times?" And it was true, if I saw an episode on the AUDHD channel late at night then, the next two weeks I would end up binge watching the entire show from the point of where that episode left off. Of course, I enjoyed the show and I used to hold my true thoughts inside but I told her the real reason I would watch the show over. To Feed off of the Pain was the reason. I found a sense of reality from the hurt in the show. The lies and consequences that came with the deceit. The people, friends, and family that were lost through out the day to day of the club (Life), touches you in a way. Especially, if you've lost close ones and dealt with lies and people you love guiding you down certain paths or blocking parts of the truth. The main character Jax or Jackson Teller had a heart of gold but had to survive around wolves and was burdened with the legacy of a Father whose shoes he could never fill. Meanwhile, having a deceitful mother who loved the best way she knew how too. Not saying my mom was Jemma but she could go Jemma if needed as most mothers can I'm sure.

     Growing up in a two parent household with a garage, dad built a dirt basketball court for me, taught me how to pitch, fish, field a ground ball and most importantly hold and open the door for women. I had a go-kart and my dad even built a track in a field behind the house, my little sister had her toys and clothes and all of the things girls like growing up before becoming a teenager. My mother was an office manager of Wilder and Gregory Law Firm which was in the Merrill Lynch building in the heart of Downtown Richmond, Va. Pops was a Manager at Crown Cork and Seal before it became Orbist. Dad was also a bike rider and a strong member of his motorcycle club Thunder Road. I had never experienced any struggle that I knew of before becoming a teenager. Life was good. I had a neighborhood full of friends and cousins and we stayed playing something outside. I played baseball started as an out fielder then became a pitcher by middle school. My sister was a cheerleader since kindergarten basically and the biggest issue for us was who got the remote to the TV after getting off the bus as latchkey kids. As I said life was good.

     When I became a teenager, I started to listen to the arguments my parents had just as any kid does and started to realize there was some other issues going on. As a 13 year-old kid, I had a couple of girlfriends in the past few years so you have an idea of when the vibe is good or bad if you will, from a young teenager's point of view anyway. Long story short, Mom and Dad began to spend less and less time together some Dad wouldn't come home before I went  to sleep and probably didn't come home those nights in some cases. Most kids never know who to blame but who really does? Shit just doesn't work out sometimes right! It goes like that sometimes, more often then none these days.

     Fast forward to a separation and a relocation with Mom, sister, and I. The emotional stress of not seeing Dad everyday eventually becomes, "why haven't I seen dad", to "awh well I'll see him when I see him." From a popular country kid to an outsider living in the North-side of Richmond at 15 and 16, I had to become a man quicker than normal. I have to thank my cousins for introducing me to a 21 year-old Northsider who knew the streets but played the game accordingly. From the shadows. He had the book and the street smarts and kept me out of the streets as much as he could anyway. When he couldn't, he just showed me how to move and I'll never forget you for that L-Boogie. I still would skip school, though wait till school was out and call him, ready to ride. It was a rush for me to ride around the city with the big rims on the car and 12" speakers in the trunk. Cash Money was big at the time, Black Rob's album, Shine, Rough Riders, and The Dynasty by Jay-Z was out. All night on Broad St. when you could ride up and down and park on the street watching all the cars and girls doing the same thing. Not a care in the world and only $20 to my name at the time, chillin'!! That's an entire story in itself those days, all love no pain baby.

    Years go by and by this time, I had already failed 11th grade in a Southside public school because of so many missed days. We had an apartment which was less than a quarter mile from Huguenot High School so it was a small walk to the store for Dutches and Richmond City Schools didn't exactly notify parents when their kids missed school. This was a bad habit I had picked up from John Marshall High School (99'-00'), showing up for Homeroom counted as a full day in North Side but on the South Side the teachers kind of kept a better count of who was and who was not showing up for school. I had moved back to the county, my mom had her issues, lost her job and eventually I was coming home at night to a house with no electricity. I just continued to sell, why not all of my people around me were selling and some even selling and using unfortunately. With in no time the world was falling down around me. My sister had already moved in with our grandmother and my Dad had his own spot but I stayed with mom because of the freedom. Cliche' of how my son enjoys his mom because it's a bit more freedom than being with "Pops" who just wants to make sure you get the discipline and guidance a young man needs. That freedom, led to a downward spiral as I didn't really look up to anyone or had a male role model at the age of 19. I just did what I wanted day to day but at night you have to deal with your reality, we all do!

     Eventually, by my mid twenties I had lost my dad to a bike accident, friends to the street life and family to drugs and prison. I learned that the smart people learn from their mistakes but the wise learn from others mistakes. I consider myself to be one of those wise individuals as I could see the outcome for my future if I were to continue on the path I was on. My son was 3 years old at this time and as far as the dope game, I realized that no matter how smart I was or cautious you cant account for when that close friend or "good customer" gets caught and gives you up, then comes back the next day and buys double of what he purchased yesterday. Besides I wanted to make sure my son never had to look at me through a window or prison bars. That's the inevitable end game for the street hustler, if he isn't killed or getting high on his own supply.

     I found an escape in a small apartment me and my now wife rented in a neighboring county and I began to meet a different group of people as I got deeper in the Poker underground community. After while, I would mask the pain of my losses by hosting my own Poker game which kept people around me all the time. Being alone would only enhance the memories of people I would no longer see or not see for a while. Thoughts of my future were dim during the 07' - 09' years. I was definitely living day to day for sure. The false sense of security had set in for a 25 year old who had inherited a life insurance policy and a portion of a wrongful death settlement. It didn't take long to figure out that money couldn't buy happiness or peace for that matter. That's why I enjoy my books and self evaluations today because of the mindset that can be built if you work on learning your emotional worthwhile and what you want out of life. You really can create your own world inside of your head. This will help you accomplish your goals that you will set when you figure out what it is you want to do.

     I still embrace the pain from the loss of a father and trials of close ones but, death helped me understand life owes and guarantees nothing or no one! Though I don't morn when other people lose their loved ones, I understand what it is to endure the pain they will soon face and I make it a purpose to show up for them at funerals now because, I knew what it meant to me. Seeing those I loved there for my dad when I exited the Church. Today, the sound of a Harley Davidson starting is a bitter sweet euphoria that cuts and soothes at the same time, with one or the other lingering depending on how the day is going. I see people's day to day struggles often consuming the weak minded and I pray for them in my personal sanctuary. Attempts to give guidance and advice will fall by the wayside of the uneducated and hardheaded who cant seem to realize their choices are why they suffer the given consequences. The harsh reality of trying to educate a teenager about what lies ahead oftentimes gets frustrating because they haven't lived long enough to understand how choices can effect their lives and those around them.

     A false sense of life is portrayed on social media apps and video games but it's rare for most to see the hurt behind filtered smiles. I like to remind myself of the pain of coming home to no electricity or the feeling of hopelessness walking into a grandparent's house as a boomerang young adult whose failures makes them come back home and reset their lives. I also know now there's nothing wrong with failing. Remember that!!
Staring out the window of a 42nd floor hotel looking across the bright lights of Atlantic City's Adult playground at 25 years-old brought the same euphoria and loneliness even with a bankroll built up to $14,000 locked in a safe. The morning view became a humbling experience as the clouds surrounded the top of the Borgata Casino and Spa and that is where the thought of pursuing the college degree, my mother and father wanted so much for me to achieve, came from. "I knew you you could do it baby" is what my mom always told me. Thus, led to a career and drive that has propelled me to where I am today mentally and physically. This a blog not an autobiography from a celebrity, I'm still check to check lmao... Just keep reading.

     Pain can be used as strength and when there's a certain level of tolerance for it, I often find different ways to tap into it to remind me of the times when I thought life would never get better. It may seem odd to some but others can relate, trust me. A part of you is forever removed from feeling anything, while the other part is forever grateful of the people around us today.
Of course,  I would like to say I use other ways for empowerment in 2019, as I find myself reading books, listening to podcasts and sharing conversations with wise and successful people. Which is true but, sometimes I remind myself not to get too comfortable by stabbing at a piece of those emotions that brings that pain to the surface, just as a person with a complexed mental, who needs to inflict physical pain upon themselves at times. My infliction of pain is done mentally though and ultimately healed with success along with the prayer to the man upstairs. Just my thoughts...

-Floetspear